The Cow Nipple

OJ Simpson on Harry Potter

"If I read it, here’s what happened."

Gordon BrownOJ Simpson, still denying that he’d ever read the popular Harry Potter children’s books, published a hypothetical synopsis of the series yesterday to much controversy.
The book adheres closely to the plot of the story. “Molly Weasel called Belatrix a bitch, then killed her! Gosh golly!” writes Simpson in his trademark style. more

 What's inside?

None of these, really

Pencils made in China found to contain lead
Dumbeldore arrested in Minneapolis-
Saint Paul Airport bathroom
“Severed dick in a box” not a good present
Grammarian sentenced to death
Increased chalking leads to reduced
heartburn in campus squirrels
Womb rated most affordable place to live

What's really inside?

No, really: Real articles

Impromptu Halloween costume crosses line
Soulja Boy wins spellin’ bee
Sexy librarian fantasy ends w/ trip to library
Homophobes launch Gay Shame Parade
Confusing scoreboard message ...
Little league team interested in Barry Bonds
Town supports teen’s damaged breasts
Waffles baffle students more

University sees crime surge

Blames Crime Alert for recent surge in crime

College Park is fast becoming one of the most dangerous college towns in the country. Whereas once the only crimes the student body had to worry about were simple muggings and the occasional rogue masturbator, recent months have seen a dramatic increase in the frequency and severity of campus area crimes. more

Iran halts nuclear program

Suspected of attempting to weaponize Persian rugs

In a shocking development, the President of Iran (whose name still cannot be pronounced or spelled correctly) announced that his country’s nuclear program, which has caused concern amongst Western powers, has been suspended indefinitely.

The sex column

I don’t know about the rest of you ladies, but I will say that the Pill has totally saved my life. I mean, sure, I have more STIs than Paris Hilton can shake a stick at (assuming she a. knows what a stick is and b. can multitask on her knees).

Group insults

Entering year eleven of our eight year mission to insult every student group on campus, the month's victims include:
Jewish Renaissance Project
Jewish Student Union
Jewish MBA Association

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Graphic Fun!

Infographics and spoofs, oh my!

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