The Cow Nipple
OJ Simpson on Harry Potter
"If I read it, here’s what happened."
OJ
Simpson, still denying that he’d ever read the popular Harry Potter
children’s books, published a hypothetical synopsis of the series
yesterday to much controversy.The book adheres closely to the plot of the story. “Molly Weasel called Belatrix a bitch, then killed her! Gosh golly!” writes Simpson in his trademark style. more »
¬ What's inside?
None of these, really
¬ Pencils made in China found to contain lead¬ Dumbeldore arrested in Minneapolis-
Saint Paul Airport bathroom
¬ “Severed dick in a box” not a good present
¬ Grammarian sentenced to death
¬ Increased chalking leads to reduced
heartburn in campus squirrels
¬ Womb rated most affordable place to live
What's really inside?
No, really: Real articles
¬ Impromptu Halloween costume crosses line¬ Soulja Boy wins spellin’ bee
¬ Sexy librarian fantasy ends w/ trip to library
¬ Homophobes launch Gay Shame Parade
¬ Confusing scoreboard message ...
¬ Little league team interested in Barry Bonds
¬ Town supports teen’s damaged breasts
¬ Waffles baffle students more »
University sees crime surge
Blames Crime Alert for recent surge in crime
College Park is fast becoming one of the most dangerous college towns in the country. Whereas once the only crimes the student body had to worry about were simple muggings and the occasional rogue masturbator, recent months have seen a dramatic increase in the frequency and severity of campus area crimes. more »Iran halts nuclear program
Suspected of attempting to weaponize Persian rugs
In a shocking development, the President of Iran (whose name still cannot be pronounced or spelled correctly) announced that his country’s nuclear program, which has caused concern amongst Western powers, has been suspended indefinitely.more »
The sex column
I don’t know about the rest of you ladies, but I will say that the Pill has totally saved my life. I mean, sure, I have more STIs than Paris Hilton can shake a stick at (assuming she a. knows what a stick is and b. can multitask on her knees).more »
Group insults
Entering year eleven of our eight year mission to insult every student group on campus, the month's victims include:¬ Jewish Renaissance Project
¬ Jewish Student Union
¬ Jewish MBA Association
more »
